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 帮助黄埔校长搬贴到茶馆来， 并画蛇添足 |
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Diamondhorse
警告次数: 1
头衔: 海归中将
声望: 博导
性别: 
加入时间: 2005/11/01
文章: 4896
海归分: 442560
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作者：Diamondhorse 在 海归茶馆 发贴, 来自【海归网】 http://www.haiguinet.com
ENJOY THE LAUGH, (and I hope you are laughing!)
添足： Have not started reading yet, this sentence should be at the end of the whole thing.
Just wanted to say thank you to all I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
添足： Should not read those e-mails in the first place, Mommy also told us "Don't talk to strangers“。 You should listen to your Mom.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
添足：When you get old enough, you do not have time to worry about that when you want to pee, you will just rush into the bathroom...
Regarding the lemon peel, think about something else when you talk to the waitress, (like, checking out her clevage..or, try to mentally figure out what size of cup she uses。。）
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
添足：Bring a super sized rubber and gently roll it on (the remote, not the other thing, you know what I mean) before you do channel surfing...
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
添足：You should bring an escort service girl into your room. You do not have time to worry about who was using the bed before you check in.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
添足： Why don't you start digging your own nose right after shaking his/her hand so as to get even?
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
添足： So, do not just eat a "little snack", go ahead and supersize your triple
meat burger and pig it out.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
添足：Never just touch the outside. Open it and see if she brings with her any contraceptives. (Why you want to touch woman's purse in the first place?)
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
添足：I think the real reason is that you've got sick and tired of the minty taste of the glue. If they come up with strawberry or chocolate or brandy like take, I bet you will try every different type of those envelopes. The old saying is so true: Variety is the spice of life!
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason
添足：Let me tell you, just rubbing it ain't going to do a damned thing for your health! Don't drink your liquid candy!
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
添足：It is harder for a rich person to get to heaven than for a camel going thru the eye of a needle. Since you do not have any savings, you are now much closer to God， and the virgin girl is waiting for you in heaven now.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
添足：You should not miss the invention contest hosted by Google...
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
添足： KFC chickens do not have feet because Cantonese got them all in their Dim Sum House. Keep your original smell because scientific study has shown that pheromone of yours will attract the opposite sex more effectively...
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
添足：Wrong！not "SEVEN" but "SEVENTY"! Now, you are cursed!
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
添足： Try to Google “Many Uses of Coca Cola", and you will find so many, more than 50. That is why Coca Cola is such a huge company..
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
添足：The correct way to handle this is: use a brick and break a rear window, spray the back seat with gasoline from the nozzle, light up a match, throw it into the backseat, run away as fast as possible. (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!)
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
添足：From your computer, print some self-adhesive sticker labels with" Under God" on it. Bring these with you all the time, and "Don't leave home without it".
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
添足: Why not use aluminum foil instead? You will have a lot more fun! (Just kidding， Don't try this at home！）
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
添足： But in case you disfigured your face, you can always try the French doctor who recently succeeded in replacing a disfigured guy's face with a DEAD person's face.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
添足：On the other hand, if you sit on it long enough, the high temperature generated from your toshi might kill all the virus on the needle. So, stick in there!
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
添足：You can do most of the shopping on internet anyway. Only problem is that Craigslist just censored their sex listings, now what, if there is a need?
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
添足： you should have been using US Postal Service and be patriotic. Plus, a disgruntle postman only picks up gun and shoot his own office workers.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
添足： Let's be honest, you have been playing phone sex for too long. No wonder.... Be careful, do not fall into the trap set up by MSNBC.
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
添足： This is a bad move. If you do not broadcast on the internet, you and me can open up new franchise stores named " Neeman-Markus" in China. Now, the cat is out of the bag.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
添足： The latest discovery is about a red spider hiding in a Mexico public restroom. The vicious creature can take a bite of you and will poison your central nerve system.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
添足：James Lee, the guy who held up hostages in Discovery Channel, used to throw dollar bills into the air and let people rush to grab them. If you can do the same, no sex offenders will pay attention to you. You can then bend down, pick up the 25 cents coin and move on.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
添足： you should buy BP instead. They are in trouble and the British is our ally.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
添足： Keep the Violin in your room so that the Spider cannot bite you in the garden.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
添足：To those kind of warnings, I normally ignore them. Since I know that no matter what you do now, when the Day comes (i.e., December 22, 2012), everything else will become so trivial.
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. (Love this one-got me!)
添足：Lucky me! I only use my finger to touch and play.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
添足： The real solution is go pee outside and do not get caught.
作者：Diamondhorse 在 海归茶馆 发贴, 来自【海归网】 http://www.haiguinet.com
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 帮助黄埔校长搬贴到茶馆来， 并画蛇添足 -- Diamondhorse - (9394 Byte) 2010-9-09 周四, 14:16 (1220 reads)
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